In Honor Of Kylie Jenner I Must Confess That I Also Eat Cereal Weird (Weirdly?) I Don't Eat Cereal Normal (Fuck, Normally?)

Now first of all, I’m not going to let your imagination run wild. “Where’s Feits going with this? How’s this maniac eat his cereal? Does he reverse eat it up his ass?” I’m sure everyone is frantically asking themselves. Fret not, I take my cereal with milk just like the rest of the normal world except for Denmark. It’s well known that the Danes put their cereal in yogurt.

No, my uniqueness does not come from eating dry oats, as Kylie Jenner and horses do, but it comes from the container in which I place that cereal. It’s my mouth. I put cereal and milk in my mouth then mix it up like a popcorn/Buncha Crunch combiner but better. You have one bowl of cereal? I have dozens. Your cereal gets soggy? I can’t even imagine it. I sit on my couch with a box of cereal to my right, a half gallon of milk (2%) to my left, and happiness in my heart. Some people eat chips at night, I eat fists full of Frosted Flakes and wash it down with cold cow piss.

To be honest I don’t even know if this is that weird, or unique, but people don’t talk about it and I’m here to normalize it. I don’t eat cereal with people, it’s a solitary act like many of the acts in my life. Eating cereal and pooping, usually subsequently, is what I do during my “me” time. The last time I ate cereal with anyone was with my father when I was eight and he opted for eggs and bacon because, “adults don’t eat breakfasts endorsed by cartoons” (22 years later I’m still showing him).

Again, perhaps I’m terribly off base and there are AOL chat rooms and dating websites dedicated to this practice, but I haven’t heard of them and I won’t be silent about it anymore. My name is John, I put cereal in my mouth then I take a swig of milk and I love it far more than a bowl of cereal.